May 17 2009

zat08

this, my final blog post

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this year has ended, as has this season of my life. despite all of this, i know my heart is still. over these past three years, i have come to know something i can’t quite explain. life has come full circle once more, and i can see exactly who i am. i have every idea of what lies ahead, and i am at ease knowing i have experienced all of it before.

i have seen myself in a thousand faces during these years. i have learned myself and have unintentionally become the master of my own persona and the master of my true self. i will never need more than what i am underneath all of the shit that i claim to be.

i hear LA is big, bad and full of phonies. i will dance with LA and learn its tendency. that’s the next step – that’s what is right in my heart. i know that this belly is going to suck worse than the ones before, but it can’t even touch me. i have such a strong sense of my own self that i know i will refuse to let this city and these people take away the best of me. i won’t let this next step of my life alter my underlying perceptions of what i am.

for me, it’s a game. prove myself to my self time and again. i will always win.

thank you jana. i have learned quite a bit from you freshman year and this. i will never again fear being uncomfortable. in ert, we were talking nietzsche earlier this semester. we talked about zarathustra and nietzsche’s three stages of awakening. to put a definition on what you did for me, you took me from camel to lion. from you, i have learned how to pick my teachers, and how to choose what to believe for myself. i hope LA is my final “thou shalt” to overcome, but if not, no big.

i’ll think of all of you often.

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May 09 2009

zat08

ap chem take two

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i would love to tell all of you. on my last ap chem exam, i got a 16/60. the apathy that i feel is unheard of. i have never cared less about a grade in my life. here is the lesson i learned from from this class – it is the only thing dr. baker was able to teach me, though i hear she has a phd in teaching - i will fail hard sometimes, even when i give my all.

i read the chapters, did the problems, and took notes during lectures. i have never given this much effort into one class in my life, and i usually can manage A’s. i have realized about myself that i cannot learn how to do application problems in math or science unless i am given an example from which to observe. crazy thought.

anyway, tonight is prom. everyone keep out of trouble.

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Apr 26 2009

zat08

Fountainhead Essay

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Okay, so I had to do a scholarship application for Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. I honestly think that the book was really interesting, (though completely against much of what Brebeuf teaches) so I decided that I’ll post it up here. I’m not sure if I did a good job. I wrote it in an hour to make the deadline… which is three minutes from now (yes 4 am on sunday morning). I just spent to long reading the damned bitch. Here’s my essay, please let me know what you think. I’m curious.

In Ayn Rand’s novel, The Fountainhead, the world exists as a flawed society where most humanity lacks independent thought. Rather than general human thought existing in terms of the singular “I,” common people view the world through an altruistic vantage, speaking in terms of the collective “we”. Dominique Francon, daughter of the acclaimed architect, Guy Francon, represents a duality among this society; she is capable of seeing the world through the eyes of an individual, but feels disillusioned as no one is capable of the meeting the standards that she has set for mankind. However, when Dominique meets Howard Roark, her opinions on the subject alter, as she observes that Howard is a true man of integrity. Although Dominique loves Howard Roark, she tries to destroy him to prevent the corruption of his integrity.

In chapter eight of part three, Gail Wynand states to Dominique, “Do you know what you’re actually in love with? Integrity. The impossible. The clean, consistent, reasonable, self-faithful, the all-of-one-style, like a work of art.” Howard Roark is the ideal of Gail’s impossible integrity. Howard Roark exists solely through his work. As an architect, Roark refuses to design anything that he views as mediocrity. He focuses little on what his clients want, instead favoring the originality and functionality of each individual design specific to the environment it surrounds. Roark tells Keating as they discuss the design Cortlandt, “Offer me this and you can have anything I’ve got to give. My work done my way. A private, personal, selfish egotistical motivation. That’s the only way I function. That’s all I am.” Roark is his work, and by remaining steadfast in his form, he maintains his personal dignity.

Dominique immediately recognizes Roark’s dignity through his architectural feats, registering that no building of Roark’s could be built by a man without a strong conviction that his work is the best. However, Dominique believes that by creating work such as his, Roark is committing an abomination. She admits that Roark’s work is a “sacrilege, though not in the sense that he [Toohey] meant… When you see a man casting pearls without getting even a pork chop in return – it is not against the swine that you feel indignation. It is against the man who valued his pearls so little that he was willing to fling them into the muck and to let them become the occasion for the whole concert of grunting, transcribed by the court stenographer.” Dominique feels that Roark’s work is blasphemy simply because he is willing to create it in such a world as The Fountainhead, where men not only misinterpret the design, but denounce the meaning of each building for which it stands.

Dominique is, as Roark says, “afraid of the world,” and “held by it,” so she decides that rather than to have Roark’s work defiled as was the Stoddard Temple, she must try to ruin him. She aspires to steal all commissions that Roark attempts to seek with a hope that Roark will never design another building. By not designing, Roark does not have to face indignation toward his own work, preserving his personal dignity.

Dominique’s decision to destroy Roark plays into a much greater theme in the novel. Roark is a self-defined egoist – a “man who stands above the need of using others in any manner. He does not function through them.” In preventing Roark from obtaining commissions, Dominique is actually trying to prevent Roark from falling to a lower level of humanity. If Roark ever agreed to design in a style of architecture not his own, then he would be sacrificing his personal dignity, his integrity, and that which makes him independent. Roark would be working to satisfy ideologies not his own. This is altruism.

Throughout the novel, the opposing ideologies of altruism and egoism show dissimilar facets of the human condition. The popular belief among society, altruism, declares that men should be selfless, always placing the common good before any personal wants or needs. Altruism argues that by doing good upon others, happiness will grow within each individual. However, egoism argues that the man who attempts to live for others actually becomes a dependent, and in being so, he will never find happiness within himself.

To rid a man of his natural tendency is to rid a man of who he truly is and of who he could be. If a man has no sense of self, existing solely for the purpose of others, he will then gauge his worth based on an unreachable social model. He will never be able to be what society wishes because the societal model goes against his very nature. Trying to live in such a manner is insatiable.

If the ultimate goals of human existence are to protect and experience happiness, as well as know true virtue, Howard Roark must always remain an egoist. To Dominique, Mallory, and Wynand, Roark represents the incorruptible model of egoism, which is the spirit and embodiment of true humanity.

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Mar 23 2009

zat08

supernatural aid blog

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i really liked this excercise. i did a lot of reflecting both before and after collecting the items i chose to find. i really was never embarassed to ask a teacher if they possessed a certain trait. if they said no, well then it must have been a compliment to them that i asked them at all.

my journey started in the religion hallway. i thought of compassion, and the man that immediately came to my mind was alan mensel. i do not know a more pure-hearted soul, and i am so thankful to know him. he is such a balanced person and is honestly so concerned with the lives of others.

when i asked him if he had compassion, he told me to go to the religious office. i said alright, and started snooping. turns out the hand was under buddha’s head. who would have guessed?

i then went after heart. this was not a difficult talisman to find. where else, but at the center of the administrative offices would heart exist? mrs. simonson wasn’t there, but audrey helped me find it anyway.

so i’m done talking about the scavenger hunt part, but not the whole reflection. i churned out a whole page on the concepts of the indian compass. i’ve since lost it, but i remember writing that i am not a centered person. i needed to find more of a broad view of the world, because that is where i suck. i try to see all that is around me, but it oftentimes is so difficult because my perception of the universe is limited so much around my current locale. i also seek wisdom. i know that i shouldn’t care about finding such a trait, but i really do strive to one day be half as wise as wise man mensel.

just some thoughts. adios. see you all in… twenty minutes!

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Mar 08 2009

zat08

all-nighter

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alright. i’m doing it - pulling the fantastic all-nighter. on a sunday night going on monday though? oh yes, i know it is dangerous, but i am wholly prepared to face the consequences of tomorrow sucking majorly.

this weekend, i should have 1) done community service 2) studied for ap chem quiz tomorrow 3) done my calc homework 4) completed my short story for creative writing (he gives us a week to write those… as if any human being could write an even SEMIDECENT piece in that time) and 5) made sure that maggiano’s is catering relay for life.

i didn’t do #1 at all. i started #2 at about nine tonight and am now breaking. i have two of five problems completed for #3. i have my introduction for #4. and #5 can wait until tomorrow.

instead i spent friday night throwing a surprise welcome home party for my brother. he is on spring break at arizona state university and decided to come home. so i called his friends from IU and others that i knew were in town, and they came over. i even made cookies, blew up balloons and hung streamers. he wasn’t surprised by my efforts. in fact, he expected it. great.

but then saturday, i spent literally ALL DAY freaking/spazzing out because i had to go to an ex’s birthday dinner that night. for those who don’t know, i have managed to stay close to one of three exs. the other two, let’s just say i prefer to avoid them. this dinner birthday was for one of the two less favored. i only ended up going to the dinner for a half hour, then went to broadripple with others. definitely not worth all of the freaking out. i should have gotten something done instead of going insane.

today, i knocked out a college list 2.0, where i eliminated all of the colleges that i once felt affection for but now seem stupid. i also added a few colleges to my list that i am trying to convince my parents to go visit over spring break, rather than spend sb09 baking on a beach in florida. i don’t think they’ll go for it because the condo reservation in florida (as far as i know) is paid for already. but i’m hoping to trade the sun for a much more… cloudy trip to washington state and oregon. either way, i failed to start homework until about 4 this afternoon.

basically, i screwed up. should have gotten my work done, and am now paying the consequences. oh i love when i mess up.

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Mar 02 2009

zat08

hello?!

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i know i don’t have to post anything this week. but if i did, well… sorry haff, i’m a little late.

i just finished my position paper. honestly, i probably wouldn’t have started any earlier if i had been able to think of a topic to write about sooner. however, i did really like the topic that i finally settled with. kristin and i have been toying with the idea of exposing ap chemistry and letting it be known to the administration just how corrupt it really is. not that they don’t already know. but, we were thinking about maybe posting up a guest article in the next issue of the arrow, and if that happened, then they would have to respond (and hopefully fix it). i honestly have to say, i’m fed up with the politics of that class. if i didn’t have a 55 (don’t be alarmed, that’s probably a B after curving) i would just drop the class. but if i drop it now, guess what - it is a withdraw fail. thank you aron for getting yourself in this foul predicament.

anyway, i had one of those really good weekends… i basically just slept, read and ate. i forced myself out of my house all of saturday so i didn’t feel like a total slob. i went to the bookstore and loaded up on new goodies, like a copy of ani difranco’s “verses” and my favorite book “into the wild.” and get this. i got a hard cover indian cookbook for 4.99!! and i’m not even kidding, this is like the prettiest cookbook i’ve ever bought (keep in mind i cook. i’ve bought a lot). it was on clearance, so i was so glad to get that bargain.

i spent my saturday night out with friends. we were supposed to go camping, but that turned into a pj party at someones house around midnight. but then we didn’t end up sleeping there and somehow ended up at a different friends house around 1:30 after a mcdonalds run. we got fresh fries man!!

and for all of my blogreaders, i plan on camping (that means under the stars with stuff like hiking and rafting) most of the summer after i get home from kenya, so if you care to join me for any of my adventures, let me know. i plan on doing weekend trips in kentucky, wisconson and pennsylvania and then maybe one or two week long trips in maine and maybe somewhere out west. i’m so glad my parents finally loosened up again.

bedtime. take it easy honors english folks.

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Feb 22 2009

zat08

general commentary (no kairos secrets revealed)

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i just got back from the almost week-long adventure that is kairos. i had a fantastic time while on k67 and was deeply moved, but here is my personal issue involving some of the people on kairos: on our return, some announced that kairos had been the best and most defining experience of their lives.

though i may not know so much about the whole scope of life, i do know one thing. life is full of emotional ups and downs – people coming and going, etc. likewise, everything else in life works similar to this ebbing motion. the tide comes in, the tide goes out, we are happy or we are sad.

for many people, kairos had been an experience where they became okay with being themselves. this is fantastic and i’m glad that it led so many people to some sort of bliss. but like everything else in life, this self-value and self-confidence can only exist at certain times and can’t be consistent.

in my life, i was lucky to have found a strong sense of self-value at a young age. it has never not been consistant as it comes and goes. on kairos, i rediscovered my self worth, which was great.

my question is this – why did some retreatants have no experience truly feeling good about themselves? why did kairos define some people’s lives?

for me, kairos was a great experience. it did not define my life, but it is something that everyone should experience and learn from because it can give a person the tools needed to redefine his life.

don’t get me wrong. i think kairos is a fantastic tool to help people become human beings. i learned so much about myself and will never regret going. in fact, i would love to lead in the future if given the opportunity. i just have difficulty understanding how some people can return from a retreat and say that they are changed people. becoming a better person takes immense work and true discipline, and i don’t believe that change can happen in the period of four days.

one more thought - how amazing would it be to see each individual snow flake falling a hundred meters away? someone should make a camera lense that focuses clearly enough that it could be seen without a zoom.

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Feb 08 2009

zat08

lights will guide you home

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i know i did all the posts i need for my grade, but i just remembered this. i really think others should see it, but don’t watch it unless you are ready to cramp up inside and maybe even cry. the words hit way home for this singer. in the words of mr. mensel, this is the perfect example of redemption.

Fix You

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Feb 08 2009

zat08

extra posting

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so this is my extra posting #1 for the week. i guess a couple of my older posts didn’t go through? lord only knows what happened, but i need to keep my grade generally okay so…

today i drove all the way around 465 because i have never successfully done it without stopping. i tried about a month ago, but managed to get pulled over along the way (and i got an outrageous ticket!) so i didn’t count it. this time, i had just filled up my gas tank, and i didn’t want to go home, so i just kind of started aimlessly driving until i ended up at 86th and 465, so i just got on headed south, and kept going. it was the perfect day for the drive too… it was sunny and like 55 or something, so i had my sunroof open and i had my ipod hooked up to my car and i got to listen to good music and reflect on my life and the world around me. i mean for serious, it was great! i listened to music ranging from “times like these” by the foo fighters to “adagio for strings” which is classical. somewhere along the drive, i thought of a great old t.s. elliott quote.

“we shall not cease from our exploration
and at the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time”

and that is really how i feel about self exploration, as well as experiencing the world.

when we explore ourselves, we dive into every aspect of who we are and really start to see every facet individually. when we finally take a step back and look at ourselves as a whole, we don’t see ourselves as that lump of “stuff anymore.” instead we can see ourselves as each individual piece, each little part, fit together perfectly.

as for the world, it is true. every time i have ever left my  home for a period of time longer than two or three weeks, i tend to come home and appreciate every little thing just that significant bit more. like the first time i went to europe, i was there for four weeks. when i was gone, i didn’t realize how much i missed having one bed to sleep in every night. while i was gone, the different beds at different hotels thing never bugged me. but when i came home, i was so much more grateful for my bed and the summer time granted for me to relax.

i dunno. just another good reflective day i suppose..

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Feb 08 2009

zat08

igotditched.

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i am slightly disappointed to say that on friday night, i skipped the bball game and made no plans because my friend from zville wanted to go out for dinner and celebrate his recent acquisition of a driver’s license at the age of 17. the champ called me at 845 and told me that he was too tired to go. it is the first time i have been ditched in months. but it was alright with me surprisingly. i went home and luckily found my house empty, so i whipped out some pots and pans and started creating myself dinner. for those who don’t know, cooking is a big hobby of mine, and i do it multiple times during the week. it kid of came out of necessity before i had my license because my mom never really cooked, and my dad usually didn’t get home til like 7 or 8, and i get hungry around 5 or 6, so i had a lot of chances to practice. so anyway, friday night, i decided to make the best mac and cheese ever with the ingredients that we had in my kitchen. let me just tell you.

my mac and cheese was freaking delicious. we only had egg noodles and angle hair, so i settled with egg noodles, and just boiled them. then i fried some pancetta (it’s basically cubed bacon) and let that chill on the stove for a while. then (i know this is kind of decadent but man it was good) i took a half a stick of butter, about a cup of heavy cream and simmered that on the stove. then once i drained the noodles, i tossed the noodles, the pancetta, and the sauce, and then i tossed it again with mozzeralla, parmesean and pecorini romano cheeses, then put the mixture into a baking dish. i put it into the oven at 400 degrees and waited til it looked perfect, and it turned out really well. how’s that for throwing together a meal?!

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